I grew up on Native American reservations, so as a child I experienced wild open spaces of land and black evening skies unhindered by the lights of human civilization. I recall many nights looking up at the vastness of the star-studded heavens and experiencing fear and awe at the bigness and deepness of space. I felt very small and insignificant in the hugeness of what I sensed the heavens were and, at the same time, I felt lovingly enveloped by that same space.
My family and friends could not quite understand what I was feeling and thinking when I tried to express the depth of my emotions and thoughts when I looked into the night sky. It was as if they did not sense the immensity of space to the extent that I did, nor did they understand the paradox of my feelings about space—fear, awe, and being loved. By the time I was ten or eleven I was more at ease with my mixed emotions about space; thus I relaxed and wallowed in the beauty and wonder of the night skies, and did so without needing to share my thoughts and feelings with other humans, for I felt the presence of unseen family and friends and I felt "at home" with seeming solitude.
Often on long, sunny spring and fall days I would come home from school, have a snack, visit briefly with my cheerful and loving mother, and then leave to climb by myself the mesa behind our house. I would spend a couple of hours roaming the flat top, sometimes sitting on the edge of the east side, looking down on the village, observing the Apache children play outside while their mothers prepared supper over an open fire in their outdoor summer kitchens. As I heard the laughter of the children and smelled the smoke from the cooking fires, I would thank God for my own family and my own home that was filled with warmth, laughter, and safety. My love for my family enveloped the Apache families that I watched and heard from my perch on the mesa. I personally knew many of those families; many of the children were my classmates, and some were my close friends who sometimes explored the surrounding desert with me.
Though I grew up with a sense of extended human family, feeling protected and cherished, I yearned for something more. I was brought up in a godly home, experiencing a dynamic religion of the best of Christianity and Native American spirituality, but I wanted more. I wanted to find unknown persons who I considered "missing" in my life. I wanted the potential that I sensed when I contemplated space. I wanted the promise of adventure, exploration, and freedom that I saw when I sat on the western side of the mesa and looked out upon the miles and miles of land, untouched by human beings except for a small dirt road that wound its way through the rolling desert hills. Where did that road end? Did it end? What roads would I take as I grew up and composed a life on my own?
When I left home for college, I never looked back. I embarked on an adventure of meeting new people; exploring different ideologies, philosophies, and religions; and traveling some. Of course, I still spent time with my family, visiting them often, bringing with me new friends who were missing their own families or who had never experienced the richness of a functional family. Always, no matter who I brought, regardless of their race, religion, or appearance, my friends were welcomed by my parents and siblings. Once my mother asked me if it was ever possible that I would visit them alone, without a retinue of friends. But I couldn't, for after leaving home I realized how blessed I was in having the family I have, and I wanted to share them with others; I wanted my friends to experience the fun and warmth and closeness that I had with my family.
Periodically I got into arguments with my father and uncles over politics or religion, for as I expanded mentally and spiritually, I embraced other values, other ideas that were foreign to most of my family members. My mother once lovingly said to me, "You are always changing on us. We never know what you are going to come up with next." And some of the things I came up with! But I won't get into that.
Often in college I would meet individuals who seemed so familiar to me, who I loved immediately, or disliked instantly. Most I felt love for. I recall Kate, who reminded me of a carrot. (Have you ever known someone who resembled a vegetable or fruit? When I was in my early twenties I had a friend who was a perfect strawberry—round in body, red in her passions for artistic endeavors, and very sweet.) When I first saw Kate standing in a hallway talking with someone, I knew she was my sister. I decided that I needed to rekindle our relationship. Remember now, that I had never met Kate before in this life. She and I became almost inseparable for about three years, and then decisions we each had to make about our life paths sent us in different directions, and I have not seen or heard from her since. But I look forward to reuniting with her again some time in our future.
Now, with my expanded understanding of cosmic family and repersonalization due to Continuing Fifth Epochal Revelation (CFER), I know that Kate is a cosmic sister of mine, a much younger one, but one I have lived and worked and grown with on another world in another universe. I think I also knew her in a Native American life here on this world called Urantia.
Kate is just one example. I have seen, briefly encountered, and become close with many cosmic family members and acquaintances over the years since I left home to go to college. Before having Continuing Fifth Epochal Revelation (CFER), I did not completely understand the relationships, but I knew I had known them before in another life, and I knew that I was meant to have an encounter with them in this life. From my late teens on I have had intense, very close relationships with numerous individuals, men and women of all ages, races, cultures, and religions. We initially felt a strong attraction and jumped quickly into meaningful friendships. I did not jump into bed with the men; they became my best friendsÃ¢â‚¬Â¦..brothersÃ¢â‚¬Â¦..family. We would have these intense relationships of sharing our deepest selves, being there for each other in our ups and downs, and then part, never seeing each other againÃ¢â‚¬Â¦.in this life any wayÃ¢â‚¬Â¦.so far.
And yet, I continued to yearn, to want something more. I wanted to know more about space, about God, about my unseen friends, about people on this world, about why this world seemed so messed up, about me, why I felt that I had so many layers of experience within me, more than most people I knew. Why was my full and rich life not quite enough? Why did I sometimes feel so lonely, in spite of being surrounded by loyal and loving family and friends? Why did I get so restless? Why did I feel such frustration, and sometimes even rage, at the stupidity of human beings, including the frailty of my own humanness? Why was I dissatisfied with my work, even though I loved it and felt, to a certain extent, that I was fulfilled in it? Why, in spite of thinking that my life was full of purpose, did I strongly sense that I was just biding my time, that I had a bigger mission and purpose? Why did I experience feeling at home on this world, at home in the moment with my work and in relationships, at home with my personal relationship with God, and yet, paradoxically, not at home with any of it? Why did I feel as if I was waiting for something to happen?
Hey, I still experience a lot of this still, especially the frustration and disappointment of seeing the potential and having to deal with the actual circumstantial reality of the moment.
1987 was a year of extreme transition for me. After doing battle with the "Hound of Heaven" and giving in to the strong leadings of the Threefold Spirit that I was hearing within, I had separated from my husband of ten years a few years before. In 1987 I resigned from continuing my teaching profession of fifteen years and made plans to move away from what had been home for some time. At that time, I was dating a variety of men, some interesting and some not so interesting, which, by the way, had nothing to do with the guidance of divine spirit within me. I was a mess!
My control issues were coming up big time, and so were my security addictions—security of being with friends and family, security of having a regular paycheck coming in, etc. I felt as if my life and I were being turned inside out, and it was not comfortable. In fact, half of the time I was miserable and terrified—terrified that in leaving my comfort zone I would be alone and no one would love me, terrified that I would end up on the streets homeless and penniless, terrified that I was making a big mistake, and of course, everyone I knew thought I was. Some even thought I was having a nervous breakdown, and it certainly felt like that to me.
I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do; I just knew that I had to go, that God was asking me to take a road into the unknown in order to meet those individuals I had been pining for, to do the work that I was sent to do, and to discover truth that I had been languishing to find. From my reasonable self, and I can be quite reasonable, I was being very irresponsible and actually acting crazy. My parents, extended family, and friends agreed with the reasonable part of me. But that other part was more real to me, and I acknowledged and embraced it.
When I finally quit inwardly arguing with my divine inner guidance, and said, "OK, OK. You win. What next?", I felt a tremendous burden lift. I felt relieved and freed. But the minute I moved from that place of faith into my reasonable self, I panicked and became anxiety-ridden. So psychologically I was on a see-saw.
In July of 1987 I spent some time with my three children on Mingus Mountain. One day I came to Sedona (without my children) and was led to Red Rock Crossing to spend some time. While sitting and trying to tune into what God wanted to say to me, I had a vision of a powerful divine being sitting on Crusader Rock, which I was looking at. I knew he was someone I had known before, an ancient ancestor or elder of some kind. I was not sure, for he seemed to be both divine and human. He looked at me with a piercing look that left me feeling both shriveled and blessed. I heard in my mind a message from him that said he had been with me before as a guide and spiritual grandfather and that he would soon be with me again in a closer way, to rest and have peace, that events would unfold for me on my new path.
About half an hour later I had another vision where I was on the red rock plateau that was behind and above where I was sitting. I knew I was in the not-too-distant future. I was standing in a circle with a group of other people, holding hands. None of the people were familiar in this life, but they were familiar to me anyway, as if I knew them before and was going to be with them again soon. I felt comforted and more at ease.
After those two visions, I looked forward to my future in anticipation, with less fear and anxiety and with more peace and assurance. I knew that God was with me and that my destiny was unfolding before me. I knew that I was surrounded by my unseen friends whose presence I had sensed from the time I considered space as a child.
The following month, August, I came again to Red Rock Crossing to experience what people in the New Age were referring to as the "Harmonic Convergence." It was my birthday, and I spent the night sleeping by the creek by myself, but not really by myself. I could feel and almost hear many unseen personalities around me. Some time in the early morning hours I awakened and felt the earth shudder slightly and sensed some kind of shift. I looked up at the black silhouette of Cathedral Rock outlined against the silver, moonlit sky and knew I had come home.
In December of that year I met Gabriel and the great adventure really began in full throttle and has not slowed down one iota.
I share some of my personal experiences to show the realness of cosmic family and memory circuits opening up to the fact of repersonalization for some people on this world, and to the fact that there indeed is a regathering of the "goodly company," of the "wayshowers," of the "bird tribes," of the "renaissance makers," of the "cosmic family," of the "destiny and cosmic reservists."
As I grew and developed from childhood on, my memory circuitry was gradually, very gradually being opened. Because I have known the cosmology of the grand universe as a mortal on other evolutionary worlds more progressed in their planetary mortal epochs, I sensed, as a child, the vastness and friendliness of space, the divine pattern that circulates throughout all of the universes. Because I knew and experienced a higher truth on these worlds, I also knew of the numerous celestial personalities who represent the Paradise Deities in some manner. I knew them, even as a child at some level, as family, cosmic family.
The yearning for so much more than I had (and I had a very wonderful and full life) was for a higher reality on all levels—material, mindal, social, and spiritual. I yearned for more beautiful and functional architecture, for silent and more efficient machinery, for more compassionate and ethical governments. I yearned for a broader understanding of the workings of nature, of societies, of human beings. I yearned for even more enriching experiences and relationships than I already had. I yearned for a greater understanding of and closeness to God.
When I begin to see and meet people that I had been acquainted with in other lives, they seemed familiar; some I knew more clearly their relationship to me, like Kate. The draw, the energy that brought me into the places where cosmic acquaintances and family were is called in Continuing Fifth Epochal Revelation (CFER) "morontia magnetic force energy." Morontia magnetic force energy is introduced in The Cosmic Family, Volume II and is defined as: "the divine flow of open circuitry in relation to memory which draws cosmic family members to one another." In essence, this morontia magnetic force field energy is equivalent to the higher thoughts of cosmic family members, which allows them to recognize apparent strangers upon their initial contact on an evolutionary world such as Urantia (Earth).
None of those people I met and related with before meeting Gabriel of Urantia are here, aligned with Divine Administration. I don't know where they are, but I believe their highest destiny is to be here in this work, which not only encompasses outreach to all of humankind, but includes the inner work of adjudication and ascension, which includes correction, rehabilitation, healing, and accelerated growth.
Auhter energy is not available to those cosmic family members who are not here at the spiritual planetary headquarters of Urantia—the Dalamatia, the Third Garden, the Salem, the New Jerusalem, the First Planetary Sacred Home of today. Auhter energy is only created among those aligned with Divine Administration. What is auhter energy? It is "the higher force energy synergetic field resultant from cosmic nuclear fusion created by the joining or rejoining of spiritual cosmic families or groups based upon the personality bestowal of the Universal Father and each individual's acquiescence to His personality, and the group consciousness in relation to Celestial Overcontrol."
The morontia magnetic field flow is not available to those outside of Divine Administration. Morontia magnetic field flow is "a divine path to system and universe headquarters and above which creates a magnetic power generated by a grid link to the First Planetary Sacred Home and is available to those who know about the activation of thought energy in connection to divine circuitry."
Why did I, a person who does not go around having visions and so-called mystical experiences, have two back-to-back visions at Red Rock Crossing at a certain time in my life? What did I see? The strong, spirit personality that I encountered was Paladin, the great grandfather finaliter of the First Cosmic Family, one of the main celestial personalities to fuse with Gabriel of Urantia and bring through CFER. Who and what did I see with the circle of people? I saw the regathering of the cosmic family at Planetary Sacred Home, the headquarters for Machiventa Melchizedek, gathered around Cathedral Rock in Sedona, Arizona. What are we to do with Paladin, Machiventa, and company? Create a higher reality here that will eventually spread across the entire planet, bringing Urantia into the first stage of light and life. Are we doing it? Yes, in spite of many seeming setbacks, challenges, and so on.
So, here I am, with many of my family, seen and unseen, still occasionally having little nervous breakdowns when I hold back from making the moves forward that God wants me to, still occasionally getting frustrated and discouraged with how slow and ponderous everything seems to be, and still plugging away on my own imperfections, striving to become more Christ-like. Here I am, so grateful to be here in this very rich and full life that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I still look up in the night skies, feeling small and big at the same time. I still look off to the horizon, wondering what's on the other side. I still want to explore those earthly roads that I have not physically traveled on. I still want to roam the hills by myself, and sometimes with a couple of friends. I still want to bring newfound friends into my home and share my family with them, now it is a bigger home with a much bigger family, a cosmic family.